Safety Tip: Don’t send a link of this website to your partner or former partner, or people connected to him, thinking that it will help him or them understand the situation - it will likely only make things worse. If you suspect that a loved one is in an abusive relationship, or is separating from or divorcing an abusive person, please be very careful if you choose to share the information on this page with them. Find more details about this here.

Important: The information contained on this page is not intended to demonise people with high-conflict personalities or personality disorders. It does however condemn abusive behaviour.

If, like many of my clients, you have spent time googling your current or former partner's behaviour or personality traits, you may have started to wonder if they are a "narcissist" or suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder…

The term ‘narcissist’ has gradually begun to replace the word ‘abuser’ in many conversations. Narcissism exists on a spectrum, and does not in and of itself cause abuse. A certain amount is necessary for healthy self-esteem, although higher levels can contribute to unacceptable patterns of behaviour.

It is important that note that there is a difference between a ‘narcissist’ (someone who demonstrates high levels of narcissism) and someone who consistently demonstrates traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

There are many reasons that I don’t use the term “narcissist” when talking about abusive men.

Like many others who work in this space, I believe that viewing men’s use of violence through a lens of childhood trauma, substance abuse or mental health problems is problematic because it can also inadvertently lead to minimising abusive behaviour choices.

Whilst they can definitely contribute in a variety of ways, including to potentially make an abusive man more dangerous, past trauma, substance abuse and mental illness are not the main drivers of men’s choice to abuse. Underneath those factors are values, attitudes and beliefs about women that contribute to problematic thinking. This problematic thinking drives abusive behaviour choices.

So if they aren’t the only cause of abusive men and abusive behaviours, why talk about personality disorders and high-conflict personality traits?

Separating from, divorcing, and co-parenting with an abuser who has a high-conflict personality, or a personality disorder, adds another layer to an already stressful and overwhelming situation. In terms of planning and strategy, it can be helpful to understand the personality of the person that you are dealing with.

It is believed by some experts, based on research and data, that around 15% of the adult population likely meet the criteria required for being diagnosed with one or more personality disorders.

A formal diagnosis of a personality disorder is challenging because people with high-conflict personality traits are highly unlikely to ever acknowledge that they need help.

Characteristically, they typically have a lot of difficulty in ‘connecting the dots’ between their own behaviour and the results they see in their own lives (damaged relationships, job losses, interactions with the law etcetera) and tend to avoid seeking professional support.

Importantly, if the abuser has an underlying personality disorder or other mental health issue, treating or “curing” the disorder or other issue would not treat or cure the abuse.

A personality disorder is characterised by long-term unhealthy, dysfunctional and disruptive patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that cause problems over time.

Personality disorders are the result of an interaction between a persons genetics and their environment.

Some people are born with a genetic predisposition for the traits associated with a personality disorder, and this predisposition is then either enhanced or suppressed by conditions in their environment, particularly the conditions of their childhood.

It is understood by mental health professionals, and supported by research, that many adults with a personality disorder experienced trauma in childhood linked with abuse, abandonment and/or neglect.

Abusers with particular high-conflict personality traits are more likely to have at least one diagnosable personality disorder, or at the very least have a high number of traits consistent with that of a personality disorder, when compared to the general population.

Typically, a high-conflict abuser who may have a personality disorder will demonstrate high-conflict traits to other people that he encounters, not just his partner or former partners.

When you look at the life history of a high-conflict or personality disordered person, you may see distinct patterns of disruption, dysfunction and instability over time.

For example;

• They can have difficulty maintaining secure employment. For a variety of personality-related reasons it can be common for high-conflict people to be self-employed (perhaps after having been previously employed and losing one or more jobs and struggling to gain employment elsewhere), to move from one job to another and/or to spend time being un-employed or under-employed.

• They can have a history of criminal and/or socially unacceptable behaviour that may or may not have led to formal legal consequences (if they tell you of this they will commonly deny all wrongdoing and claim to be the victim or to have been falsely accused, or provide you with reasons about why their actions were justified). Their justifications may be very believable. High-conflict people can be convincing pathological liars.

• They commonly have a dysfunctional or non-existent relationship with their family of origin and may have shared stories with you about the abuse and/or neglect that they experienced as a child. Their recounts of childhood abuse, neglect and/or abandonment are likely to be genuine and can be related to their high-conflict personality traits. Childhood abuse is a factor in most if not all personality disorders, however it is much less a factor for abusive men who do not have a personality disorder.

• They don’t tend to have long-term platonic friendships and their social circle may be perceived by you to be superficial, change regularly with a ‘high social turn-over’, or be comprised solely by your friends that they have ‘adopted’ as their own. People with a personality disorder and/or a high-conflict personality are often perceived positively by others initially as they may present as charming, charismatic, generous, friendly and outgoing for a time - which understandably leads to good first impressions. However, over time they are increasingly perceived by others to be irritating, annoying, demanding, bad-mannered and disruptive. Long-term friendships may be more likely to occur with other high-conflict people or with those who have minimal boundaries and will accept poor treatment. This is in contrast to non-personality disordered abusers who tend to isolate their abuse to their partners and former partners and can usually maintain successful relationships and friendships with others.

• They may have a history of depression and/or bipolar disorder. Research has demonstrated a co-morbidity between depression and personality disorders. In one study of patients diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, researchers found that around 96% also met the criteria for a mood disorder.

• They may have a history of addiction. This can include the obvious things such as illegal or prescription drugs and/or alcohol but can also include unhealthy and destructive relationships with things such as; food, pornography, relationships, sex, shopping, gambling, gaming, impulsive spending etcetera.

• They may have an increased risk of developing health conditions such as obesity, type 2 diabetes, and coronary heart disease according to research. This suggests that personality traits play an important role in relation to various aspects of physical health. One suggested reason for this is that some personality traits can affect whether an individual will implement and/or stick to prescribed treatments, medications and lifestyle changes after a medical problem has been identified or diagnosed. High-conflict people may be more likely to smoke and/or consume large quantities of alcohol and/or high-sugar foods even when told by medical professionals that their health is in jeopardy.

• They commonly have a history of dysfunctional intimate relationships. People with high-conflict personalities, and those with a personality disorder, can be very difficult to be in a relationship with long-term, and over time they will demonstrate abusive and dysfunctional behaviours including emotional and verbal abuse and other controlling behaviours. Some high-conflict people will also choose physical violence, although this may not occur in a relationship for some time. High-conflict people can be charming, charismatic, loving and generous a for a period of time, but the high-conflict aspects of their personality will emerge at some point. Sometimes there is an identifiable ‘trigger point’, sometimes not. Trigger points that lead to the emergence of certain high-conflict traits can include; moving in together, marriage, pregnancy of their partner, the birth of a child and any other change that could be a source of stress. This also correlates with patterns of abuse from non-personality disordered abusers. Again, for abusers who do not have a personality disorder, it is usually only their intimate partners, former partners, children and other family members who experience their abusive behaviour.

  Times of change are times of increased risk for anyone subjected to abuse.

  Relationship breakdown and separation is potentially a very dangerous time, and abusers have been known to become physically violent, even if they have never been physically violent in the past.

  The first time an abusive person becomes physically violent can be fatal. This is true for all abusers, no matter what is driving their behaviour.

  It’s common for partners and ex-partners of abusers to say things like “Things were great…but then he changed…” The truth is that he didn’t truly “change”, he just eventually revealed aspects of his personality that had been previously hidden, or the presentation of particular behaviour toward you was triggered by a significant event or change in circumstances.

  If you are in a relationship with someone who seems to have a string of broken relationships in their past, or one or more divorces, this can be a red flag. The red flag becomes a flashing neon beacon (complete with siren!) if they maintain that their ex-partners are the sole reason for why the relationship didn’t work out, and/or for why they may not have contact with, or a relationship with, any children of that relationship.

  Having no relationship with children of a past relationship is a flashing neon beacon all of its own. For anyone who has learned what to look for in an abuser (usually the hard way), hearing a man blame his former partner for everything that went wrong is a sign to run in the opposite direction - fast!

So what does all this mean?

It means that if you’re here, concerned about what you’re experiencing from your partner or former partner and you are connecting the dots, they may be an abuser.

Depending on their personality traits and behaviour patterns, it’s possible that they are an abuser with a personality disorder.

It’s not your imagination.

And it’s not your fault.

High-conflict people (HCP’s) have high-conflict personality traits and a world-view that is underpinned by problematic values, beliefs, attitudes and ways of thinking.

This leads to high-conflict patterns of behaviour, including abuse.

High-conflict and abusive behaviour choices create, perpetuate and escalate conflict.

As stated above by Lundy Bancroft, the world-renowned author of “Why Does He Do That?” and counsellor with over three decades of experience working with abusive men, neither mental illness nor substance abuse is wholly responsible for why your partner or former partner chooses to use abusive behaviours.

Abusing you is a choice that he is repeatedly making in order to gain and maintain control over you.

This thought can be confronting. It can be easier to think that he’s not really responsible for his behaviour. That his behaviour is because he doesn’t ‘know better’.

That it’s because he’s stressed.

That it’s because of drugs or alcohol. Or because of mental illness.

Or because of ‘anger’ or some other emotion.

The truth is that he knows exactly what he is doing to you.

Underpinning high-conflict personality traits and abusive behaviour patterns is a problematic world-view and problematic ways of thinking. Some of these are called ‘cognitive distortions’.

Cognitive distortions are patterns and systems of thinking that lead to inaccurate and irrational thoughts and beliefs that are reinforced over a period of time.

Understanding cognitive distortions can give us insight into some of the behaviour patterns of abusive people.

Traits common to most high-conflict people (HCP’s) are:

• A pattern of blaming others/unrelenting focus; HCP’s rarely, if ever, admit fault or responsibility for anything, no matter how small or trivial. Rather, they go to incredible lengths to justify their actions and this often involves one or more ‘targets of blame’.

Partners and former partners are common targets of blame, and the blame-game doesn’t stop after separation and divorce. It is common for HCP’s to continue to be hyper-focused on former partners long after the divorce has been finalised, and continue blaming them for anything and everything, sometimes for years and even decades.

Unrelenting focus and blaming can be obvious, or it can be subtle and nuanced, for example; bullying, harassment, humiliating and undermining (such as verbal put-downs and criticisms, ‘gaslighting’, spreading rumours etc), along with behaviours that could be considered simply annoying and immature if they were one-off, but are repeated over time as a means to harass, frustrate and control such as; not allowing privacy (following around the house etc), gently poking or pinching repeatedly, blocking a path or exit and refusing to move, hiding possessions, and other frustrating behaviours that the HCP dismisses and minimises as being “a joke”.

It is common for HCP’s to create narratives in which they are the victim, and the target of blame is painted as being the aggressor/perpetrator or as being mentally or emotionally unstable. HCP’s tend to love attention, and while many prefer to be adored and admired, it can also suit their need for undivided attention and control of the situation if they are pitied and sympathised with.

• Lack of insight; HCP’s tend to be unable to ‘connect the dots’ regarding the results they are experiencing in their life and their own behaviour. This is linked to the repeating cycle of blaming and focusing on others as mentioned above. (“It’s clearly all her fault. There is no point in me changing my behaviour because she is the one with the problem”).

• Distorted thinking; all-or-nothing thinking, zero-sum thinking, overgeneralised thinking, catastrophising, minimising, emotional reasoning and more; HCP’s tend to be unable to demonstrate flexible ways of thinking. This inability to think with nuance and hold space for multiple possibilities at any one time results in an inability to compromise or to see other possibilities and ‘grey areas’. This in turn leads to a pattern of ‘black and white thinking’ and the tendency to jump to inaccurate and irrational conclusions.

Compromise tends to be viewed by HCP’s as ‘losing’, and if they aren’t ‘winning’ (getting exactly what they want, or what they think they deserve) in their mind the cognitive distortion is that they are therefore losing and the other person is winning, which they perceive to be grossly unfair and unjust.

In the mind of the HCP, the other person is trying to control and dominate them. Distortions like this can lead to abusive behaviour, that the HCP justifies to themselves and to others (“I have every right to do what I’m doing because she is taking everything away from me and is trying to dominate and control me. I have to protect myself and fight for what’s mine. She’s such a horrible person, she deserves whatever I do”).

Any support the abuser receives from friends or family can serve to make their distortions and use of abuse even worse as they feel even further justified in their thoughts, feelings and actions.

Understandably, patterns of distorted thinking makes separation, divorce and co-parenting with an abuser very difficult, and many ex-partners find themselves repeatedly complying with demands simply in an effort to reduce the conflict.

• Extreme/unacceptable behaviours; HCP’s tend to have ‘anti-social’ ways of dealing with issues and conflict, as opposed to ‘pro-social’ approaches that are acceptable to most people. As with all HCP traits, this one exists on a sliding scale and may become obvious to others - not just partners and former partners.

Down one end of the scale there is behaviour such as serious physical assault and murder, all the way down to the other end that can include things like sulking/’silent treatment’ for not getting their own way. Behaviours can range from what neuro-typical (“normal”) people would consider to be absolutely horrible and deserving of condemnation, to behaviours that may still be anti-social in nature but considered by others to be immature and annoying rather than aggressive or abusive.

Other examples of ‘anti-social’ behaviours can include; stalking and harassment in varying degrees, including less obvious forms of stalking such as regularly dropping by the home or workplace of a person (often accompanied with a justification that can be difficult to disprove), repeatedly calling or texting, gaining access to smartphones, social media and email without permission (or with permission that has been coerced), overreactions to situations or events in ways that seem ‘over the top’ to others (this can include overreactions to developmentally normal behaviour from children), monitoring communication and movements of family members, not allowing access to the family home or forcing the healthy partner out of the home, destroying or not allowing access to belongings, physical abuse in all forms including punishing children physically.

A question that I’m often asked is “how do I know if the behaviour is ‘unacceptable’ or ‘anti-social’?”

This can be challenging for people if they have been in the sphere of influence of an abuser for a long time, and the connection they have with themselves, their intuition and their sense of self has faded. They have adapted to the abuse as a means to survive.

If you don’t like something, if it causes you to feel worried, afraid, violated, or uneasy in any way, it’s an unacceptable behaviour.

You may feel the ‘unease’ somewhere in your body and have trouble putting into words exactly what you are feeling, or pin-pointing exactly what you are afraid of - this is very common and completely valid. Abusers can be skilled at gaining control by causing fear of what ‘might happen’, rather than by making any direct threats.

You may have already gained insight into whether the person in question is deeply invested in their choices to abuse you, whether you realise it or not, by the reaction you have received after you have verbalised to them that you don’t like the behaviour and want it to stop.

Instead of apologising and making a genuine effort to never repeat the problem behaviour, a deeply invested and entitled abuser will rarely acknowledge your thoughts or feelings appropriately, let alone apologise. Instead they will belittle you and explain all the ways that you are wrong or overreacting, including words and phrases like; paranoid, crazy, over-anxious, too sensitive, lacking in a sense of humour, in need of mental health services, making up lies etcetera. They will endlessly justify their behaviour, and turn the blame onto you.

Another way to determine how deep a man’s choice to abuse goes, along with the severity of the problematic values, attitudes and beliefs underpinning that abuse, is to observe his reaction when you leave the relationship.

For the women I work with, their abusive ex-partners consistently doubled-down on their attempts to gain and maintain control.

Controlling behaviours and stalking behaviours are two of the biggest risk factors for serious violence that leads to injury or death.

Never underestimate an abuser, even if they have never been physically violent toward you before. In many cases of women and children who have been murdered, the fatal assault was the first ever act of physical violence.

Ready to take the next step in working together? Let’s chat.

Other common traits of abusers

Abusers demonstrate a spectrum of traits and behaviours. Only a few traits may be noticeable at any one time and there may be times of charm and friendliness, particularly when their needs and wants are being met. Unfortunately, the friendliness never lasts.

The important thing to remember is that traits and patterns of abuse are a sliding scale and the exact pattern and nature of behaviours may fluctuate, but they never completely disappear. Moments of calm are short-lived when dealing with an abuser.

Abusers tend to be emotionally immature with a limited capacity to take responsibility for, and manage, their own emotions. In the mind of the abuser, their 'target of blame' is responsible for how they are feeling, and for making them feel better. They can appear to be emotionally needy, and may seem to be easily bored and constantly wanting the attention of others or to be ‘where the action is’.

High-conflict abusers may seek more time with children purely to meet their own needs - the attention, unconditional love and admiration they receive from their children can help to fill what feels like a bottomless pit. (It can also help them to drive a wedge between children and their mother. Learn more about post-separation abuse here).

As we’ve discussed earlier, abusive behaviour patterns from high-conflict and personality disordered abusers will not usually be limited to partners, former partners and children. Non-disordered abusers on the other hand can be very skilled at keeping their abuse ‘behind closed doors’.

Additional traits that can be common in abusers:

• Entitled. Including beliefs that rules apply to others, but not to him.

• Believes that he is the victim. This is indicative of a high-level of entitlement.

• Arrogant - regardless of actual accomplishments and achievements.

• Lack of empathy

• Self-absorbed

• Vindictive

• Retaliatory

• Demonstrates contempt or disgust toward partners, former partners or the target of blame. This is in stark contrast to the fact that the victim may have understandable feelings of anger about the treatment they have been subjected to, and it can be easy for outsiders to dismiss this as: “They are both angry. It ‘takes two to tango’. They can’t communicate properly. They are both causing the problem”.

On the contrary the person who has been victimised may be highly emotional and demonstrate anger and frustration, but the perpetrator of abuse will demonstrate feelings of contempt and disgust when speaking to and about the victim.

• Lacking in remorse. Any guilt will be because of the consequences to themselves, not because they regret any harm they have caused.

• Attention seeking. Desperate for validation of their perceived superiority, or acknowledgment of their perceived status as the victim. This is commonly seen in high-conflict and personality disordered people. This desperate need for attention can also manifest as constant communication (such as phone calls and text messages) that are unnecessary and become intrusive. This is also accompanied by an expectation that you answer the phone whenever they call, or respond in some way immediately. In the mind of an abuser, their needs are always the most important.

• Superiority complex. Will attempt to demonstrate, explain or ‘prove’ their superiority, including by finding ways to make others look inferior. This is commonly seen in high-conflict and personality disordered people and can manifest as near-constant criticism and put-downs.

• Quick to anger and take offence.

• Highly critical. This can manifest as put-downs and verbal abuse that is later brushed off as “jokes” or as somehow the fault of the intended target.

• Mood swings

• Controlling behaviours

• Dominating behaviours

• Dislikes others (particularly intimate partners and children) having agency and autonomy. This is viewed as a threat to their control and entitlement, and may also be perceived as a sign of abandonment or not being loved and appreciated appropriately. The underlying message to loved ones: “You’ll like what I tell you to like, you’ll want what I tell you to want, you’ll think what I tell you to think - there is only one “right” perception and only one acceptable reality - mine”.

• Extreme behaviours/threats

• Impulsive

• May attack the professionalism and credentials of others when feeling threatened or undermined, and when they feel that their superiority and ultimate control has been challenged. For example, if the abusers partner or ex-partner has a professional source of support, such as a Doctor or counsellor, the abuser may begin a smear campaign in an attempt to damage the professional reputation of the support person. This is also one of the ways that abusers attempt to maintain the isolation of their partner or former partner. (Ultimately this kind of behaviour can provide excellent documentation to showcase patterns of behaviour if and when you end up in court).

• Highly manipulative. Including attempted manipulation of systems such as police, child protection, the court system etcetera.

• Pathological lying

• May speak in dramatic emotional extremes, and using words such as “never” and “always”. For example, if there are household tasks that need to be completed they may say “Look at the state of this house! It’s a breeding ground of disease! You are always so lazy and disgusting! You never clean up around here!”

• Discussions about issues devolve into personal attacks.

• Minimising abusive behaviour. Ideas, perspectives, and experiences of others are rejected, ridiculed and/or dismissed.

• Deflecting the topic of conversation. This often occurs to avoid genuine emotional connection and emotional vulnerability, also to avoid an authentic discussion and solution/resolution. You may hear the term “word salad” to describe the communication from an abuser - this refers to the fact that a lot of things that they complain about seem to be a jumbled mess (imagine a tossed garden salad). What might begin as a discussion to gain clarity of care arrangements for children can quickly devolve into unrelated comments and criticisms that ultimately prevent you from reaching agreement. High-conflict abusers thrive on chaos, conflict and confusion.

• Defensiveness. Often as a means to justify their perceived entitlements, assert their perceived victim status and avoid accountability for abusive behaviour choices.

• Overreactions to normal behaviour. For example, a child forgetting to complete a task, or a partner misplacing something, can lead to children and partners constantly feeling hyper-vigilant and ‘on-edge’ around the high-conflict abuser.

Conversations often feel like interrogations and the high-conflict abuser often has no tolerance for what he perceives to be inferior or unacceptable behaviour. This can lead to omitting information when speaking to the abuser, for fear of his overreaction and the consequences that will be imposed.

This dynamic can then lead to the children, partner and former partner being accused of ‘lying’ to the abuser. This is a vicious cycle that can lead to significant anxiety in both adults and children. Children may seem withdrawn, stressed, reluctant to spend time with the abuser and the educational and social aspects of their lives can be affected also.

• Focused on revenge if they feel disrespected or ‘wronged’ in some way.

• Lack of insight and minimal ability for genuine self-reflection.

• Exploitative. Takes advantage of others, expects special treatment and shows disregard for healthy boundaries. Will also expect partners, friends and children to disregard their own values and morals in order to prioritise the needs of the abuser.

High-conflict abusers tend to seek out professionals (doctors, lawyers, therapists etc) that they have a personal or professional connection with of some kind (or that person is a friend of a friend etc). In the mind of a high-conflict abuser, it is simply easier to manipulate and override the boundaries of someone that you have an existing connection with.

For example, choosing a lawyer that is a friend, family member or friend-of-a-friend and then expecting a reduced fee and/or pro-bono (free) services, calling or texting the professional on their personal mobile or visiting them at their home without invitation and a general blurring the personal/professional boundaries. The abuser will expect special treatment that they feel they are worthy of, and will expect the professional to go above and beyond to serve them. Many people find it difficult to say no to this behaviour and this works to the abusers advantage.

• Dislikes the healthy boundaries of others and perceives boundaries that apply to them as a whole to be insulting, a threat to their power and control, a lack of the deference and respect that they believe they deserve and a sign of abandonment and/or being unloved.

• May expect perfection from others, yet the specific expectations and ‘goal posts’ may often change. Intimate partners and children are often ‘walking on eggshells’.

• May have a variety of personas. The abuser may be friendly to others, such as work colleagues, neighbours, professionals etcetera with only intimate family members seeing and experiencing control, dominance, violence and other forms of abuse. For those with a personality disorder, there is increasing likelihood that others in the community will witness problematic behaviours.

• May recruit high-conflict advocates, allies and enablers to perpetrate ‘abuse by proxy’. This can include; ‘spying’ on the partner, former partner and/or children and reporting back to the abuser, undermining the credibility of partners and former partners and anyone who dares to support them (all of whom often become ‘targets of blame’), convincing others of their victim narrative and painting their partner or former partner as the perpetrator of harm i.e “She won’t let me see the kids. She’s turning the kids against me.” “She’s lying about family violence” etcetera.

• May undermine the parenting authority of the healthy parent and attempt to influence the views of the children. Dismissing the healthy parents views and suggestions in front of the children and overtly or covertly encouraging or rewarding the children if they disrespect or distance themselves from the healthy parent.

Abusive parents will commonly attempt to ‘buy’ the loyalty of children by giving gifts and being a fun, fast and easy parent - avoiding any of the real ‘heavy lifting’ of day-to-day parenting that they generally perceive to be boring and/or beneath them.

This can include promising things like shopping trips, movies and fast food, along with giving children things such as smart phones, tablets, smart watches and game consoles. Such gifts (aka ‘bribes’) are rarely, if ever, discussed beforehand with the other parent, and may be developmentally inappropriate for the child, such as giving a young child a smart phone or allowing a child to watch an inappropriate movie.

Commonly, suggestions will be made to the children without discussing anything first with the other parent, such as: “Would you like to come to my place this weekend instead of staying with mum? We can watch that movie you’ve been talking about and we can have KFC. After that we could go to the toyshop.” Sometimes these suggestions will take place in front of the other parent, challenging and undermining the other parent in front of the children.

Abusive parents will commonly attempt to disrupt the parenting time of the healthy parent, partly linked to the fact that they may dislike being alone and crave attention, along with enjoying the feeling of maintaining control over the healthy parent and disrupting her ability to have time with the children uninterrupted.

Very common is the request (aka demand) for “flexible” parenting arrangements. High-conflict abusers, and those who have a personality disorder, can view stable routines as restrictive, rigid and controlling. They thrive on chaos, confusion and conflict and tend to hate anything constraining that they perceive as being imposed on them, including anything that resembles a structured parenting schedule.

Healthy parents tend to prefer predictable, stable routines as this is generally best for the wellbeing of children and also allows for healthy parents to make work and other commitments. I’m sure you can see where this is going…a near constant struggle to try and obtain some kind of predictable (and child-focused) parenting schedule. Unfortunately, this dynamic often necessitates court proceedings in order to obtain court orders that legally outline parenting responsibilities and parenting time.

Most healthy parents do not want to initiate court proceedings, but ultimately feel that they are left with little choice. Also common from high-conflict abusers after the provision of court orders, is the persistent request to alter the care arrangements - they tend to view court orders as more like general guidelines that the healthy parent could choose to disregard if she was a decent co-parent….Yes, this can be tiring to deal with if you don’t have a strategy or a plan!

**It is very important to be aware that gifts like smart phones and ‘fit bit’ style watches are also a way for the abuser to maintain influence and control even when he is not physically present, including the ability to track the child’s location. There may be a demand that the child wear the device 24/7. In respect to phones, there will be an expectation that the child answer the phone whenever the abuser calls or texts. In the mind of an abuser, children are responsible for meeting his emotional needs, not the other way around.**

• May control the reproductive rights of his intimate partner. This can include: controlling his partners use of contraceptives, forcing unprotected sex in attempts to impregnate his partner against her will, forcing his partner to continue a pregnancy to full term against her will, forcing a partner to terminate a pregnancy against her will.

• May interfere with and sabotage the healthy parent developing and maintaining loving attachments with the children and can resent the fact that the children need the attention of their mother, as it takes her attention away from him.

This includes behaviours consistent with jealousy when his partner is tending to the needs of the children, criticising his partners loving, attentive and healthy parenting as “babying” the children, preventing his partner from meeting the needs of children - including the needs of very young children and infants i.e preventing his partner from picking up and comforting a crying baby or toddler.

This also commonly plays out in aspects of post-separation abuse with abusers seeking significant parenting time, purely as a means to hurt the healthy parent and disrupt the mother-child relationship over and above any genuine desire or capacity to care for the children.

Abusers can present as being very ‘needy’ and may dislike spending time on their own. This can result in demands for increased parenting time, regardless of whether this is in the best interests of the child. The abuser is focused on his own needs and wants, and will use his children to fulfil his own need for attention and to help him regulate his emotions.

• May demonstrate inconsistent and unhealthy parenting styles, yet may present well as a parent to others. It is very common for abusers to fluctuate between being overly permissive and irresponsible parents, to being overly authoritarian and dictatorial. This includes out-of-proportion discipline and consequences, hand-in-hand with moments of overly permissive and inappropriate parenting such as exposure to developmentally inappropriate things such as alcohol, movies and/or pornography. Understandably, these parenting patterns that seem to change with the wind can be both confusing and harmful to children.

There can also be inadequate supervision, including reckless parenting of young children around dangers such as swimming pools, the beach, being locked in cars, left unattended along with an over-reliance on devices, technology and fast-food to entertain the children.

It is common for abusers to attempt to ‘bribe’ and influence their children by promising things such as money, holidays, mobile phones and other technology. This is partly due to the fact that in some situations there may be very little emotional connection between an abusive father and his children and he may not know how to cultivate and grow a genuine emotional bond (very common when there is a personality disorder involved). Interactions can be seen to be transactional, as opposed to being based on a healthy parent-child bond. All of the above is often followed by criticisms of the healthy parent, including accusations that she is either too permissive, or too strict, in her parenting style.

In situations where children do not want to spend time with the abusive parent, the healthy parent is often blamed for the state of the child’s relationship with the abusive parent. The abusive parent either can’t or won’t connect the dots between their own personality and associated behaviour and the child’s reluctance to spend time with him.

The abuser can appear to be a “good parent” for short periods of time (such as to impress friends, family members, court professionals and new partners) but ultimately is likely to resort to abusing his children in some manner as a means to gain and maintain control over them, along with demonstrating patterns of “fun, fast and easy” parenting.

The healthy parent is ultimately responsible for doing the ‘heavy lifting’ of parenting, particularly when it comes to the emotional and psychological needs of the children which will likely be completely disregarded by the abuser. Healthy parents often report that they felt like a ‘single parent’ long before the relationship ended because the bulk of parenting has always been their responsibility.

• May demonstrate having a favourite child (the ‘golden child’) and/or a ‘scapegoat’ child. This can include showering one child with attention and praise over and above other children, commonly linked to; sporting ability, seeing the child as an extension of themselves (such as a male child) and/or targeting the child they think will be easier to isolate and manipulate.

The ‘scapegoat’ child receives the most unwanted attention and criticism from the abuser and the abuser can seem pre-occupied with finding fault with the child, including making claims that the child has medical and/or psychological problems (such as autism, ADHD, learning difficulties or a physical disability etc). This can ultimately result in the scapegoat child thinking that they have a medical and/or psychological condition.

Sadly, this is not a complete list.

All the things mentioned on this page are things that I help my clients to navigate, and document. I can help you too.

Let’s talk.

Myths about Abusers:

• He is lacking in education and would not be abusive if he knew better. This is FALSE. Many abusers are actually highly educated and can be ‘white collar professionals’. It is not uncommon for high-conflict abusers to be in positions of power within the community and to be seen to have relatively good social standing in the community.

• He is from a low socio-economic background and abuses because he is under financial stress. This is FALSE. How much money someone has in the bank does not cause him to develop patterns of abuse toward his partner, former partner or children.

• He has a substance abuse problem and/or other addiction that is responsible for his abusive behaviour. This is FALSE. Substance abuse and other addictions can heighten abuse and, in the case of drugs and alcohol, can make an abuser more dangerous, however the drugs and alcohol are not the main drivers of the abusive patterns of behaviour. Curing the addiction would not cure the abuse.

• He has depression, bipolar disorder, a personality disorder or other mental health problem that is responsible for his abusive behaviour. This is FALSE. All of the above can heighten the abuse and, in the case of mood disorders and personality disorders, can make an abuser more dangerous, hyper-focused, irrational and vindictive. However, treating the mental health issue, if that were possible, would not cure the abuse.

• He doesn’t direct his abusive behaviour toward the children, so therefore he is still a good father. This is FALSE. Abusing the mother of his children is one of the worst things a father can do for the wellbeing and overall development of those children, including brain development.

Research demonstrates that men who are abusive to their partners are many times more likely to be physically and/or sexually abusive to their children than non-abusive men.

In one study, around 50% of abusive men were found to be physically abusive to their children, compared to approximately 7% of men who did not have a history of abuse toward their partner.

Research has found that abusive men are 6 times more likely to be sexually abusive to their children than men who did not have a history of abuse toward their partner.

Abusive men tend to view partners, former partners and children (including step-children) as possessions to exert control over and can demonstrate patterns of behaviour that use children to meet their own needs.

There is no evidence to suggest that the danger to children reduces after a couple separates and/or divorces. Rather, the abuser then may have time with the children without the protection of their mother.

You don’t have to do this alone.