Supporting Others
You are best placed to help others when you are informed.
You are warmly invited to read the information here to broaden your understanding of family violence and post-separation abuse, and learn more about what you can do to help victim-survivors. We can all do our bit to support women and children in our community.
We can all be change-makers
Family violence and post-separation abuse are not rare.
Research shows that 1 in 4 Australian women have experienced physical and/or sexual abuse by an intimate partner, however it is believed by many that the reality is likely to be 1 in 2 Australian women (due to the limitations of the current research).
Intimate partner violence and abuse contributes to more death, disability and illness in Australian women aged 15 to 44 than any other preventable risk factor including smoking, obesity and high blood pressure.
Family violence and post-separation abuse is under-reported.
You may not be aware of anyone you know experiencing abuse, however that doesn’t mean it’s not happening to people close to you.
There is a lot of shame and embarrassment attached to the experience of abuse, along with fear of repercussions from the abuser.
Many victim-survivors stay silent.
Family Violence and post-separation abuse doesn’t happen because men ‘lose control’. Rather the violence and abuse is used as a means to gain and maintain control.
Family violence and post-separation abuse can be defined as any controlling or violent behaviour that causes emotional, psychological, sexual, financial and/or physical damage to a family member, partner or former partner, and/or causes them to feel afraid.
This sense of fear might not be well-defined, but it is as a result of abusive patterns of behaviour that are designed to control.
The message an abusive man sends to his partner or former partner through his use of abuse, even if he never raises a hand to her, is “I am capable of hurting you badly. Do not defy me”.
Many women who have experienced family violence or post-separation abuse can attest to the fact that emotional and psychological abuse can leave very deep emotional and psychological scars that can be difficult to overcome.
It is not uncommon for women and children who have experienced family violence to report symptoms consistent with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced (physical) violence from a partner, half or more report that the man's emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”
- Lundy Bancroft
A man who is abusive toward his partner or former partner is not a good father, even if his behaviour is not directed at his children.
He is choosing for his children to live in a home where they are exposed to violence, including non-physical abuse.
He is choosing for his children to witness the degradation and dehumanisation of their mother.
Experiencing family violence and post-separation abuse can also impact the parenting of the victim-survivor - she is trying to be the best parent she can, whilst also trying to protect her children and hide her own trauma.
An abusive father is also demonstrating problematic values, attitudes and beliefs that increase the likelihood of his sons becoming entitled abusers when they are older.
Growing up in this environment also increases the likelihood that daughters will experience abusive relationships, and take longer on average than other women to leave an abusive relationship.
Hearing or seeing abuse perpetrated by one parent towards another, along with living in an unpredictable environment that causes fear, can significantly impact children, including the way their brain develops.
Studies demonstrate that children exposed to family violence have a greater risk of developing depression and experiencing behaviour problems.
They can also experience difficulties at school, including poor reading and language skills, and struggle to make and maintain friendships with others.
All abuse is harmful and inexcusable.
It is estimated that 80% of women who experience abuse from a partner don’t ever contact the police about it.
For many reasons, women are more likely to stay silent, or to deny or downplay their experience of abuse. This is particularly true of non-physical forms of abuse.
Emotional and psychological abuse can leave scars that last a lifetime, yet are invisible to the outside world.
Don’t enable an abuser.
Abusers can be skilled at recruiting enablers, allies and advocates - friends, family and those in the broader community - who will allow him to minimise, deny or excuse his choice to use abusive behaviours, and minimise the effects of his abusive behaviours on his partner, former partners and his children.
Enablers, allies and advocates of high-conflict abusers often collude with the “victim narrative” of the abuser.
No matter the excuse or reasoning given, all forms of abuse are choices intended to control the victim.
A person who sides with the abuser, denying the reality and experience of the victims, is an enabler of abuse and an ally to the abuser.
This includes people who believe and support a narrative that an abusive man was; ‘overwhelmed’, ‘pushed into it’, ‘didn’t know what else to do’, ‘was left with no choice’, ‘lost control’ or that he is the true ‘victim’.
An advocate goes one step further, and openly supports and defends the narrative of the abuser by minimising or denying the experience of the victims, repeating the false abuser-as-victim-narrative to others and may even confront the victims. Advocates will also give character references for the abuser, join in the smear campaign against the victim and ultimately facilitate further abuse.
Do something to help those who experience abuse.
Doing nothing does harm.
Are you concerned that someone you know may be experiencing family violence or post-separation abuse?
There are things you can do.
From the Safe Steps Website:
Don’t all couples have fights?
Yes, disagreements are common in relationships. Family violence is different to the problems that may arise in a healthy relationship. Most couples argue and struggle with shared decision-making without violence, threats or actions that crush the other person’s sense of self. Raising your voice during a fight doesn’t mean that others will be afraid or feel controlled.
But in an abusive relationship, one person demonstrates a continuous pattern of behaviour that makes the other person feel smaller, afraid for their safety, and attacks their sense of self. Family violence of this nature is an attack on another person’s freedom and ability to control their own life, and makes the other person feel fear.
If a woman was in danger, wouldn’t she just contact the police or leave?
A woman is at highest risk of extreme violence, including murder, when she does leave an abuser. Many women stay because they are justifiably fearful for themselves or their children if they do leave. If a woman chooses to stay in an abusive relationship, it doesn’t mean the situation isn’t bad, it means she’s worried leaving might make it even worse. Other reasons why a woman might stay in a violence environment include:
Fear, low self-esteem, shame, guilt
Lack of financial independence
Desire to maintain the family unit; sometimes there may be family pressure to keep the family together
Belief that the partner can and will change
Isolation – lack of family and social support networks
Information from Danielle:
If you haven’t experienced intense control from a partner it can be impossible to imagine the fear that runs through a woman when she contemplates leaving.
Simply the thought of leaving can be overwhelming, and can trigger an intense fear response because she has learned to be afraid of anything that she thinks may encourage her partner to reassert his control and dominance over her.
Times of change are times of increased risk, even if there has never been previous physical violence, as the high-conflict abuser may go to even further lengths to maintain control.
Cognitive distortions in the minds of abusers can also intensify at this time, which may lead to a high-conflict abuser viewing their distorted perceptions, problematic world-view and underlying values, attitudes, thoughts and beliefs (and associated emotions) as undisputed facts. This can provide the abuser with justification for his inexcusable choices to perpetrate further abuse.
The first act of physical violence can be fatal.
Separation planning is one of the things that I help clients with, and it can be a lengthy process. Safely getting out of the home is only one concern that keeps my clients awake at night. Women who are abused by their partner are also increasingly afraid that the court system will fail their children by giving the abusive parent access to them. This can be of particular concern where there has not been documented or reported physical abuse.
Leaving a deeply emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship can be terrifying. There are intense fears that children will ultimately be court-ordered to spend unsupervised time with the abusive parent without another safe adult there to protect them. This is a valid fear. Research shows that how a man will treat his children can be predicted by how he treats their mother.
The myth that “the woman always gets the kids” in court outcomes is exactly that, a myth. It is not at all supported by the data.
High-conflict abusers can be skilled at ‘image management’ - putting on a mask for others to show what a wonderful man and father he is. His partner knows this, and she deeply fears that she won’t be believed.
High-conflict abusers can be aware that their partner may want to leave, and they may attempt to actively prevent this by keeping their partner deeply afraid of what “might happen”.
Things that victims of abuse have been repeatedly told for years by their abusive partners include:
“You can leave but you’re not taking the kids.
“I’ll get sole custody”.
“I’ll tell everyone that you’re mentally unstable and they’ll believe me.”
“You’re worthless. No one else is ever going to want you”.
“Try and leave. See how far you get”.
“You have no proof of anything. No one will believe you”.
“You’re an idiot. All of this is your fault”.
“Do you really think anyone is going to believe you over me?”
“You’re breaking our family apart and I’ll tell the kids that all of this is your fault”.
The above comments from abusers are so common that it’s almost like they are reading from the same playbook.
“The more history and commitment that develop in the couple, the more the abuser comes to think of his partner as a prized object. Possessiveness is at the core of the abusers mindset, the spring from which all other streams spout; on some level he feels that he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit”.
-Lundy Bancroft
From the Safe Steps Website:
Signs someone you know is experiencing family violence:
It can be hard to tell if someone is experiencing family violence. Often there are no obvious signs and the person may not even recognise that what they are experiencing is abuse. However, there are some signs you can and should look out for.
Has the person become withdrawn from close friends and family? Do they seem unusually quiet, lacking in confidence or depressed?
Does the person say things that indicate their partner is controlling like ‘he doesn’t like it if I don’t let him know where I am’ or ‘he’s always checking my text messages’?
Does the person talk about their partner being jealous or quick to anger? Have they mentioned their partner getting really angry about something small like the house not being clean enough or forgetting to purchase something from the shops?
Does the person seem anxious, afraid or just not themselves around their partner?
Does their partner criticise the person in public, calling them stupid in front of friends, family or colleagues?
Has the person ever indicated that their partner pressured them into doing sexual things?
Has the person ever said their partner pushed them, restrained them, hit them or was in any way physically abusive?
Has the person ever had physical injuries, like bruises, broken bones or abrasions? If you have asked them about the injuries, have they become evasive, upset or given unlikely explanations?
What should you do to help?
There are a number of things you can do if you are concerned for a friend, family member or neighbour.
Ask them if they are okay: It’s best to do this in a sensitive way, one-on-one when their partner is not around. Tell them you are worried about them, explain why you are concerned and make it clear that you want to help. Don’t be discouraged if the person is defensive or denies abuse is occurring – don’t try to make them talk if they are not ready to, just tell them you are there if they ever need support.
Listen: If the person wants to tell you about what they are experiencing listen to them and believe them without judgement or criticism. Help them understand that the abuse is not their fault and that they always deserve to be treated with respect. Tell them that admitting to being abused is a hard step, and they are brave for having told someone.
Let them know about Safe Steps and other services: The best thing you can do to support someone experiencing family violence is help them explore options to become safe, and this is exactly what Safe Steps is for. Our specialist family violence response workers are available 24/7 via our phone line to assist women and children experiencing abuse. Let your friend know that they can call out phone line anytime on 1800 015 188 or send them a link to this website so they can read about our services. (Safe Steps is based in Victoria. For a list of Australia-wide support services visit here.)
It’s a good idea to let the person know that there are lots of supports and services available and that leaving an abusive relationship is not something anyone has to do alone without assistance. To find out about more family violence support services, check out our list of other service and information providers.
Offer practical assistance and emotional support: Often people experiencing family violence need practical assistance with small everyday tasks. This might mean helping them prepare a safety plan, agreeing to be an emergency contact, offering to let them stay at your house, driving them to an appointment, or looking after their children so they have time to visit a lawyer or counsellor.
Having the emotional support of a trusted friend is also invaluable, particularly during difficult steps and stressful times. You could offer to accompany the person to the police station to report the abuse, or to court for a hearing, or you could just ensure you are checking in with them regularly to make sure they are ok and have someone to talk to whenever they need it.
Information from Danielle: