Leaving an abusive relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is not just about the decision to walk away; it's about navigating the complex emotional, legal, and logistical labyrinth of separation and divorce.
The decision to leave a controlling partner is monumental, and often shrouded in fear and doubt.
Separation is not a one-size-fits-all solution, and careful planning is important, especially when children are involved.
It’s common for there to be thoughts and feelings that staying in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship is necessary to keep the family intact, an idea that is often exploited by abusers to maintain control.
To help your resolve to end the relationship, it is important to recognise and acknowledge the signs of abuse.
It is also important to understand that unless your controlling/abusive partner acknowledges their behaviour genuinely, and the harm that it causes, and takes genuine steps to seek professional support and to change, their harmful behaviour will continue. Change does not happen unless the controlling/abusive person recognises that they must change, and is prepared to put in the effort and be guided by experienced professionals.
Most controlling and abusive people minimise their harmful behaviour, and believe they are entitled to behave that way.
They can be skilled at justifying their behaviour, and in shifting the blame to others.
When you share your decision to end the relationship, your former partner may suggest couples therapy or counselling. Unfortunately, this suggestion from controlling people is often a way for them to maintain control of the situation and an attempt to manipulate you into changing your mind.
Couples counselling/therapy is not recommended when your partner is controlling or abusive in other ways.
Counselling is often used by abusive people as a platform for them to manipulate the narrative and to get the counsellor/therapist on their side. They will often continue to deny wrongdoing, and will continue to gaslight you and blame you for the decline in the relationship.
Instead of trying to convince your partner to change or take responsibility for their behaviour, your focus needs to be on YOU.
